I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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