Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
