maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
