My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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