God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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