if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
