this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
