Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
