it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
