why didn't you poke me back
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
