party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
