at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
