that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
