i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wear drunk well.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
