My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
