how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
