definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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