I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
