I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.