Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
