i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
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It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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