so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
