Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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