Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
