He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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