i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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