I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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