They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
