Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
