Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize