The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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