Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
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You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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