when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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