my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
