____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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