Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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