dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
