The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
