but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
