Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES