Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was