my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!