My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.