i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
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She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.