you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
