I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
