The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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