Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
