My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable