I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.