I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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