She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
People in love make me want to vomit
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.