This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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