he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
