Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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