This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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