you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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