Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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