I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
